I am going to bite the bullet for everyone here and save the world economy. Here's how (bear with me, because this requires some explanation).
Background
When I became a lawyer in 1984, it happened in a year where California had the largest number of new attorneys entering the profession. We were also recovering from a recession. There were no jobs, let alone a job for an inexperienced young attorney. The unemployment rate among males under 25 was in the range of 30%. That was the year I decided to enter the labor market.
I looked young when I graduated from law school. My classmates called me "Doogie"
Shortly thereafter, I decided to practice antitrust law. At the time, Ronald Raegan had appointed Charles ("Rick") Rule to head the Antitrust Division of the Justice Department. Mr. Rule was a "Chicago-school economist," meaning that theories about predatory pricing and other ideas that kept lawyers busy defending large companies from assaults by the government were under attack, and it became obvious that the antitrust bar was shrinking. There were just no jobs for big-time antitrust lawyers.
Because of the shrinking pie, I left antitrust law to start my own firm and engage in plaintiff's-side tort work. Shortly thereafter, "tort reform" became a buzzword of the talk radio hosts, and McDonald's coffee-case alarms were sounding throughout the political arena. Plaintiff's work became more and more scarce, and juries became more and more parsimonious. Again, a shrinking pie. I gradually drifted into plaintiff's-side securities work, just in time for the Securities Litigation Reform Act of the mid-1990's. It became harder to attain attorneys' fees and the law was moving against the aggrieved investor. I then moved into estate tax just in time for the 2001 repeal of the estate tax (to be effective, allegedly, in 2010) and again it was hard work just to keep my head above water. I seem to carry these snakebites for the benefit of those around me. We have very few probates because my clients do not die. If you want to live forever, make sure you use our firm to do your will. It will add several years to your life.
Similarly, my investment choices are characterized by the coincidence of incredibly poor timing. I got into the stock market in early 2000 (after settling some large cases), just in time for the implosion of the tech bubble. There were lots of "dot-coms" in my portfolio, and I had all the hot stocks: Razorfish, Red Hat, WorldCom. I received a Notice of Class Action lawsuit for virtually every single stock we purchased from 2000 to 2004. I have a net capital loss carry-forward that ensures I will not owe capital gains taxes unless lightning hits my portfolio while I am cashing in a winning lottery ticket as monkeys fly out of . . . you get the idea.
I figure I am personally responsible for the oversupply of lawyers, the problem of runaway juries, tort reform, securities law reform, and the estate tax repeal. I also figure I am personally responsible for the demise of every good company that I have invested in since 2000. You could have made a lot of money by getting out of the market as I got in, or by taking the exact opposite side of every market transaction I have made in my life. In fact, you would likely be quite wealthy had you done so, assuming the commissions weren't too bad.
So I have decided to save the world economy by getting out of the market now, selling everything and taking nothing but short positions on stock from now on. I figure this will virtually assure an instantaneous market rebound, prosperity beyond everyone's wildest imagination, and good news for all investors. I know - its quite a bullet, but I figure its the least I can do for my country, my President, and my clients.
So that you will know precisely when to get into the market, I will tell you when I am going to get out. I willliquidate all of my securities and short everything I can on Monday at Noon. If I miss the bottom, it would only be because of time zone or other logistics issues that the market gods have not communicated to me. You will have me to thank for your prosperity and that of your children and grandchildren.
All I ask in return is that you use me or my firm to prepare your estate plan, thereby ensuring that you will maximize your chances of living forever.
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